We have our real, everyday life and we have our fantasy life, playing out its details within our own minds. Men fantasize about power and wealth but primarily, throughout their lives, about sex. They see an attractive woman and imagine what it would be like to make it with her. In a solid, warm relationship, there is little likelihood that he will do anything about it but he will always dream. Female fantasies are more varied and change over time. As teenagers and young women, we imagine the knight in shining armor who will appear out of nowhere and whisk us off into a life of unadulterated bliss. When we meet our partner, we imagine building a life together and fantasize about children, where we'll live, and what things we'll do together. As we mature, we fantasize about our children and what they may accomplish, and what career steps we will climb. And, occasionally, we fantasize about what sex would be like with our attractive doctor, the sales manager down the hall, or forbidden sex with a total stranger. Because our fantasies are so different, it is often difficult to share them, even with the one who is so close to us. The common fantasies of costume sellers and B movies: the French maid in a barely-there apron, the harem dancer, the steamy tropical atmosphere, seldom relate to our private inner visions. If our fantasies differ, which is likely, we can increase our complete involvement in our partner's life by occasionally participating in the other's fantasy. Taking turns in setting the scene allows us to share our inner world in a safe atmosphere where the risk of such deep disclosure is minimized by mutual respect. Describe your fantasy in depth as if you were the director of a new stage play. You want your partner to see the drama in their mind's eye and crawl inside the character you want them to play. Explain the roles and the interaction you want to see, Explore the details that make you feel aroused and excited. Then act it out with a willingness to make adjustments when your partner deviates from the script as will undoubtedly happen. If you find it impossible not to laugh at aspects you find uncomfortable or ridiculous, it's okay - laughter and fun have a very big place in our sex lives which can self-destruct if taken too seriously. Afterwards, you can discuss how each other felt, what was pleasant and what was not. If you both found enjoyment, mentally tuck it away as a strategy to use periodically to heighten the excitement of future love-making sessions. If it just didn't work at all for one of you, discard it from further consideration. After a period of time, the two of you will acquire a stable of fantasy situations that you can roll out when you feel the need for a different approach. They will become a vital part of your communication patterns, both in bed and out. Regardless of the number and intensity of the fantasies you are able to mutually enjoy, the fact of trying, and vicariously entering the mental world of your loved one, deepens your relationship and the appreciation of your many differences. When we feel that we know our partner completely, it is a major shock to learn of inner visions we never even guessed about. It returns us to the place where we are still exploring each other and rekindles the emotions we felt when first learning more about the one we love most in the whole world. |
